The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Three
by The morrigan three
Summary: Back to Hogwarts for another tedious year. Black has escaped,Lupin is teaching and I, as always, am the last to know. Then to top it all Potter didn't get killed or seriously injured during the holidays.' A diary from your favourite teacher, Severus Snape
1. New beginnings old grudges

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Harry Potter, but what can you do…

**Yes, I'm back and raring to go. I've been whinged at constantly to start the 3rd instalment of Moanings… so here you are….**

**Oh, and I apologise if the humour gets a little bit more black during this book.**

Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Three

**Of all that is holy**

Dumbledore has just called a staff meeting to announce our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I, of course, applied for the job but Dumbledore obviously believes my strengths lie in the Potions department. But you will never guess who he's given the job to. That steaming pile of horse manure that is Remus Lupin. Or should that be wolf manure? He was in the same year as me at Hogwarts, along with Potty Senior and Sirius-look-at-my-amazing-flying-bike-Black.

And that's another thing. Sirius-look-at-my-amazing-flying-bike-Black has escaped from Azkaban. But I'm not scared; after all he was the one that got caught eh?

But Lupin? He's barmy. He certainly doesn't qualify to teach. And he's dangerous. He's a…. WEREWOLF! I lie not. And Dumbledore (the barmy old git) has employed him at a SCHOOL!

"Severus. May I SPEAK with you in my office for a MOMENT?" No, you stupid old fart. I don't want to speak with you. In fact I don't want to be in the same room as you. You would rather employ a werewolf over a normal wizard? And Lupin especially? Why don't you just invite one of Hagrid's creatures to rip the students to shreds, would give me a bit of sport at least.

"Of course Headmaster." So we went to his office and Fawkes sat and glared at me like usual. I think it has something to do with pulling those feathers out last year…

"I am hoping for your COOPERATION concerning Remus Lupin's situation." Smile over the glasses, glance at Fawkes. You won't be able to keep this one under your hat Dumbledore, no matter how big the hat is.

"Headmaster. I must contest your decision to employ a werewolf at Hogwarts."

"YES Severus. But Remus is a VERY experienced teacher and his condition will only IMPACT on his teaching every full moon." Condition? He grows fur, very long teeth and drools everywhere. I call that slightly more serious than a condition.

"And if he gets into the castle on a full moon and kills a student?" Ooo, he could kill Potter. Employing a werewolf has its up sides.

"I need YOU to make a Wolfsbane potion for him. If you would be willing." You're avoiding the question Dumbledore.

"Of course. But I am not happy with this arrangement." I got no answer to that, so I left to come and prepare my lessons. The students are back here in a few days and I haven't bothered to prepare anything for them. Spontaneous is my middle name.

**Potty potty Potter…**

…. Has no backbone! Malfoy has just come skipping (yes, he was actually skipping with the hilarity of it) into the Great Hall. Apparently Dementors came onto the train and Potter fainted. And it seems all the teachers knew this apart from me, which is typical. The Sorting is starting, where's Potter and Granger? Probably getting checked out by Poppy, she's seeing if they still have their dignity intact.

Lupin is sitting a bit down the table from me; he looks like a tramp that's been sat at the same bus stop for three months. Absolutely disgusting. I hope Dumbledore is worried. I hope Dumbledore is panicking. I hope it goes wrong. Please.

Potty and Granger have arrived, Dumbledore's standing up to do his speech, pompous old turnip. He's talking about Dementors; apparently they're stationed around Hogwarts because of Potty, wants to kill him because of Voldemort. Potty isn't doing very well this year is he, not even inside the castle five minutes and a Dementor has tried to kiss him (not as pleasant as it sounds), Lupin may become deranged and kill him, the man who killed his parents has escaped from Azkaban and wants to kill him and Dumbledore seems blissfully happy to let him sit there and stuff his face with food. And who am I to argue with the Headmaster?

Ew, there's Pumpkin Juice in my goblet. Oh, that's disgusting. And why's Potter staring at me. What? Why can't you just leave me alone? Why is everyone clapping? Ah, we're 'welcoming' Lupin. Yes, let's all welcome the Werewolf into our happy community. Hagrid is the new Care of Magical Creatures teacher as well, a stupid job for an even stupider teacher. Figures.

**Look at them all**

Stuffing their faces like they haven't been fed since they left in July. It's repulsive, it really is. And what possesses Weasley to pile his meal so high on his plate? It must just end up tasting the same. The behaviour of some of these students really does amuse me. Flitwick is trying to talk to me, while balancing on his high stool. Why do I get sat next to the short-arse? Why can't Summer holidays be longer?


	2. That festering pool of pus that is Lupin

**Sorry it's taking so long, I've got another project going on you see**

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill…

Chapter Two: The Moanings of an overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**I hate mornings**

I am, what can only be described as, not a morning person. Neither am I an afternoon, evening or night person. But I am especially NOT a morning person. Why then does everyone try and talk to me in a morning? Find me around ten o'clock at which point I may acknowledge your existence. But not before. Malfoy is putting on a stage show, I think it's meant to be Potter fainting, I always imagined he would have a higher-pitched scream than Malfoy is giving him.

What has Hagrid got? A dead polecat. Yep, sit at the teacher's table in the Great Hall of Hogwarts School with a dead polecat swinging against your knees. A way to make an entrance at least. I've got to go and teach some first years, it's my job after all.

**That was invigorating**

There is nothing like intimidating, scaring and generally being mean to a group of first years. I love it when they all turn their terrified, unknowing faces towards me as I slam through the door. Pure bliss. I made them do a nail removal potion, at least four of them had to go to the hospital wing to have nail regrowth. I'll probably get sent to Dumbledore at some point during the day for misconduct but it's the sprogs own faults. They should listen and follow instructions correctly. And I've set them a two-foot long essay to complete on famous nail removal gone wrong throughout history, which should be interesting as there are no famous nail removals, gone wrong or otherwise. I have to start making Lupin's potion tonight, wonder if I tell Dumbledore that I have a pressing social engagement if he'll let me off?

**The Hairy One has done it**

One of Hagrid's creatures has attacked Malfoy, not seriously but seriously enough. Pity it didn't go for Potter instead, he could survive with just one arm. Hagrid might get sacked, if Lucius has his way. Which he won't, Lucius can be a stubborn old goat but Dumbledore is the oldest, stubbornist goat of them all. I can guarantee he'll be back teaching, and Lucius will whinge and complain, Malfoy will whinge and complain and Dumbledore will ignore them. Like he ignores everyone. Like when they suggest perfectly good reasons why a werewolf cannot be employed at a school.

I've got Gryffindor for potions on Thursday; I've already been given a lecture from McGonagall as well. Apparently taking twenty points off a first year for getting stuck in the disappearing stair is not an acceptable reason for point deduction.

Potions I hate potions with smelly third years. I don't know why I, or them for that matter, bother because we all know they are going to fail. Miserably. Malfoy has returned to lesson, why I don't know seeing as he can't actually do anything anyway. I suppose this is an opportunity for me to inflict some much needed pain on Weasley. 

"Cut up his roots, Weasley." Now they're arguing about it. I suppose I'll have to go and sort it out? Yep, thought so. Stupid horrible students. Actually, it's Weasley complaining and mutilating Malfoy's roots while he just stands there.

"Swap roots." Ha, that'll teach you to complain in my classes Weasley. Get Potter to do the Shrivelfig, that'll keep him amused for a while and Malfoy a chance to annoy them a bit more. Where's Longbottom? I haven't picked on him for ages…

Orange. It's orange. Not green, like it's supposed to be. Even blue would be closer, but orange? I am, of course, talking about Longbottom's pitiful attempt at potions and the even more pitiful result of that attempt. And I use the term 'attempt' very loosely. Pity Dumbledore says that tattooing instructions of certain potions on the foreheads of thick students is 'unadvisable.' He did not, however, specify anything about killing off student's pets…

The potion worked in the end; I knew it would with Granger stood next to Longbottom. I suppose it's for the best, McGonagall would castrate me if she found out I was slaughtering student's pets. Even toads.

**I** **HATE LUPIN!!!**

That jumped up, smarmy, flea-ridden bad of cow dung has just made a mockery of me. Me! In his lesson with the third years. Stupid Neville Longbottom made the stupid Boggart turn into me (which I was quite pleased about when I was first told. I'm quite proud to be Longbottom's worse nightmare) but then he put me into his grandmother's clothes! I am ridiculed from every angle! And do you know what Dumbledore said?

"Ahh Severus, Professor Lupin could not have KNOWN what shape the Boggart would TAKE. Have a SENSE of HUMOUR Severus." Sense of Humour! Sense of Humour! I'll take my 'sense of humour' and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Sense of Humour! McGonagall is going to have a field day. I hate Hogwarts, I hate Dumbledore, I hate Longbottom but I especially, especially hate Lupin.

**Life is hell**

Pure hell. I hate them. Dumbledore's a barmy old git and he still expects me to make Lupin's potion and didn't believe me when I told him I had to go and disembowel some mountain toads in Bulgaria. Potions with the third years is as fun as ever, Longbottom's face when he sees me lurking around a corner, ready to pounce on him, is worth living in this dump all year round. Quidditch is starting up again, and I keep getting various members of the Slytherin team coming and whinging to me about various things, I have taken to ignoring it. And it seems to work quite well too, they just splutter away to themselves for a while then bugger off when they realise I'm not taking a blind bit of notice.

**Hogsmeade visit**

Most of the students are out of the castle, apart from Potter who didn't get his form signed because he is hated and unloved by everyone. And everyone else has gone and left him. On his own. My mood is strangely improving. I'm making Lupin's potion and this bottle of the poison in my right hand seems to be strangely tipping sideways into it. Oops. Well, it's too late to start making some more now.


	3. Halloween

**Disclaimer: **Severus Snape owns the world

**WARNING:** A bit of bad language. A bit worse than I usually use anyway

Chapter Three: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Stupid buggering Dumbledore**

He seemed to know that killing off Lupin was in the front of my mind and so made very subtle hints along the lines of 'if you kill Lupin, I will tell McGonagall to feed you to the Squid.' I decided to make another potion instead of face McGonagall's wrath, and the stomach of the Squid of course. Went to give it to Lupin, and who should be sat there? Potter! Potter and the Werewolf sharing a pot of tea. Reminded me of the good old days with Potty Senior and Freak-Boy gallivanting around in the grounds while I sat and worked. And look who's come out better, Potty Senior is dead and Freak-Boy sits in his rooms scratching his fleas. I have a good job, reasonable pay, permanent home and the only thing I regret is not killing Potty Junior the first time I laid eyes on him. I think I scared Potter slightly with the smoking goblet of potion for Lupin, I've wanted to try this thing out and Potty was the perfect target. I kind of backed out of the room, not smiling but not sneering either and just looked at Lupin, Potty Junior's face went white. It was brilliant. I'll have to try that with Flitwick sometime, he's so nervous that it'll probably cause him to have a heart attack.

**Stupid buggering Dumbledore**

Has just told me, in his 'you know I'm doing this for your benefit' voice that it may be a good idea if I read through the Ministry's requirements for the Potions exams and perhaps 'readjust' my lessons to cover the whole topics.

"Headmaster. I cover all topics required and a lot of extra information. Maybe if students feel they are not learning appropriate topics they should come and see me?" He did that stupid 'I know you are being serious but I will take it as a joke and come up with a witty reply then waltz off before you can think of a wittier reply in return.'

"Ah, Severus. We all know that students do not LIKE to SPEAK to certain teachers out of lesson TIME. Ministry requirements EXASPERATE us all. But we must keep the students best INTERESTS at heart." What do you mean 'certain teachers'? Of course it's my entire fault. As always. My fault that they are all crap at potions. My fault they all fail. My fault that Potty can't keep himself out of trouble. My fault that the third step on the fifth corridor staircase creaks. My fault that the Fat Lady can't resist that fourth box of Liquor chocolates at Christmas.

"If I find time, Headmaster, I will scan the requirements."

"Well Severus, we all KNOW that you are a BUSY man. How is Remus DOING these days?"

"I suspect the potion is working. He hasn't given rabies to any of the students anyway. But I think a boy in Ravenclaw has a nasty case of fleas." Dumbledore smiled at that, little does he know that I am serious. DEADLY serious.

"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh, Severus. Fleas are a PROBLEM for all of us."

"There's always one you just can't get rid of?" Lupin is a flea. A big, hairy flea. And there's always a way to get rid of fleas.

"Absolutely. I trust I shall see you at dinner?" I just nodded and left him to wander around the corridors like an escapee from a mental institution.

**It's Halloween**

And Dumbledore has floating pumpkins. You heard me right. Floating. Frigging. Pumpkins. It's Halloween. Seriously, have a sense of occasion Dumbledore. We should be sacrificing a virgin to some evil god or other, scaring Muggles or at the very least making crop-circles. Not watching pumpkins float up and down in front of us. There are bats as well. Bats, I'm okay with when they're OUTSIDE! Bats do not like to be kept inside when its nighttime. Dumbledore is stupid and I hope all the bats team together and dive-bomb him. And Potter keeps glancing at me, he either fancies me (a very scary thought) or thinks I'm trying to kill Lupin. And he wouldn't be far wrong. Well, I've gone off the idea of poisoning him; I thought maybe I could kill a Hufflepuff and blame Lupin. Can't be too hard to kill a Hufflepuff. Their mascot is a badger for goodness sake. Though a badger can give you a nasty bite it you get too close.

The food is actually quite nice, when you haven't got a bat sat on your shoulder eyeing your plate up anyway. All the ghosts are messing about, one is re-enacting his own beheading (which went wrong and it makes me laugh every time I think about it), while the Bloody Baron is chasing Peeves up and down the Slytherin table. At least some of us are having fun. At least the feast is almost at an end. Never know, I might have a good Halloween yet. Hogsmeade is brilliant at Halloween. And unlike Potter I do not need a responsible adult's permission.

**This is a crap Halloween and it's all Potter's fault**

Sirius Black is in the castle, Dumbledore forbade me to go down to Hogsmeade and the only way this Halloween can possibly improve is if I find Black and tie him to that stupid flying motorcycle and throw them both off the roof of the castle.

All the students have been moved into the Great Hall to sleep. I'm searching the third floor at the minute and there's bugger all here. Filch is searching the dungeons and I think he may get a bit of a fright if he comes across some of my more usual pets. If they can be classed as 'pets' because if you tried to pet them you would lose a finger, take them for a walk you would probably lose more than a finger and if you took them outside the dungeons you would probably lose a handful of students and they might pick off a few teachers while they were there. I can't be bothered doing any more searching; he's obviously not here. I'm going back to the Hall.

"Headmaster?" Where the hell is he? And I keep falling over student's sleeping bags. Ha, there he is. Talking to that Weasley child. Perky? Percy? The Head-Boy anyway.

"The third floor has been completely searched and Filch has done the dungeons. Nothing."

"The Owlrey? Astronomy Tower?"

"Lupin's rooms?" I didn't say it loud. It wasn't like Potter (who was ear-wigging into our conversation so obviously he might as well have just got out a box of popcorn) could hear me and Dumbledore didn't hear me either. Well, I suspect he did and just decided to ignore it.

""Very well Severus. I didn't EXPECT him to LINGER."

"Have you any theory to how he got in, Professor?" I do. One. And I know that it's right. And you had better not defend him.

"Many, Severus, each of them as UNLIKELY as the next." Rubbish. That is clear avoidance of the question.

"You remember the conversation we had, Headmaster, just before the start of term?" I wish that Perky child would bugger off. I am trying to get Lupin in trouble here.

"I do, Severus. " Dumbledore is getting serious. It's kind of scary.

"I do not believe that Black could have entered the castle without inside help. I did express concerns when you appointed-"

"I do not believe a SINGLE person INSIDE this castle would have helped Black ENTER it." He just interrupted me! No one interrupts me! No one. Bastard. Tramp. I refuse to look at Ministry Requirements! I refuse to make potions for Lupin! I refuse to abstain from killing Potter next time I clap eyes on him! You employ werewolves and allow murderers to run around the castle and I will do what I want. In fact, I am going to Hogsmeade. Goodnight!


	4. Dumblydore

**Disclaimer:** Is on the other page

Chapter four: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Dumbledore is in a mood with me**

And I honestly could not give a rat's arse. I did what I said I would do and went down to Hogsmeade, drank until I was mellowed, had a fight with a troll (which I won) then somehow made it back to the castle in one piece. I am not teaching today, I am not marking any work today and I am definitely not going anywhere near McGonagall. It is mid-morning at the minute and I am lying in bed, cup of coffee in one hand, newspaper in the other and here I shall remain until I can be bothered getting up.

**Damn and Blast with a hefty dose of Buggeration**

The troll has lodged a complaint, as has Madam Rosmerta for 'destroying furniture.' I have been summoned to Dumbledore's immediately. I think I'll give it twenty minutes.

**Perhaps waiting wasn't the best thing to do**

Dumbledore has told me to pay Madam Rosmerta for the damage and I have to buy the troll a new club because it broke its old one last night by falling on top of it. I maintained an icy and dignified silence throughout Dumbledore's complaining and disappointed looks and blah, blah, blah.

"I am VERY disappointed with you Severus. I would of expected BETTER of you. Getting drunk and having a FIGHT with a TROLL." This is the point where he shakes his head despairingly and looks at me, hoping that I will break down in tears and beg forgiveness for being so stupid. I didn't.

"I shall SUSPEND you for TWO days, during which you will FIND a new club for the TROLL." Two days off? Two days not having to teach horrible kids? Two days not having to look at McGonagall sitting next to me while trying to eat my breakfast? Two days with no responsibility? I should do this more often.

"Of course Headmaster." And that was the end of that. I am now going to Diagon Alley to do some shopping, find the stupid troll a stupid club, buy some potion ingredients and visit some old friends.

**I hate floo-powder**

Absolutely despise it. You would have thought that I would be used to it by now but it is such a weird sensation. Anyway, I'm now in Diagon Alley and wondering where the hell to even START looking for a club, it's not like they have 'The Troll Shop' or anything. 'Stupid Beings Accessories,' I think there is an opening in the market for a shop called that. I think I may drop into the Leaky Cauldron for a drink, it's not like I've got any teaching to get back to do.

**I am exhausted**

I have been absolutely everywhere. And I have hundred of bags of absolute rubbish. Potions, ingredients, scrolls, books, robes, some gorgeous smelling coffee granules that apparently will help 'relax and tone your mind'. How it can tone your mind I don't know, but I suppose I'll find out soon enough. I've ordered this beautiful silver cauldron and a glass one, which is kind of pointless but fun to look at. I ordered a club and it will be delivered to Dumbledore so he can forward it, I need to go to Hogsmeade and visit Rosmerta before the end of the day. I'm back in the Leaky Cauldron, having a quick drink with a vampire and a goblin. Suppose I had better head back to the castle.

**Dumbledore has not stopped complaining**

He says that this is a suspension and not a holiday. He says that the students should not see me rolling through the front door laden with hundreds of shopping bags, stinking of smoke and booze. He says that I should not be ordering expensive items to be dropped off at the castle. He says I have to stay in the castle tomorrow. He says I have an alcohol problem.

I said that if I were on holiday I would go somewhere a bit sunnier. I said that the students probably couldn't care if I was out shopping or not. I said that I do not stink of smoke and booze. I said they are my expensive things and this is where I live. I said I probably do have an alcohol problem and if I do it is entirely his fault and it is also my prerogative to have one if I want.

I have been suspended for a week.

I have to have meetings with Dumbledore everyday during that suspension.

I am not allowed to leave the castle.

I am a fully-grown wizard, teacher and mentor. Not to mention experienced lover. I feel like a scolded school child and I am therefore going to throw a strop and bang every door I can find.

**Minerva came to 'calm me down'**

I told the old witch to bugger off and terrorise some small children. Don't think she appreciated it but I don't care in the slightest. And Dumbledore can shove his 'daily meetings' where the sun doesn't twinkle. Crabby old git. I hate you all, but especially you Dumbledore. Especially you.

**Looking for a new job**

The Daily Prophet has a job section and I have decided to leave this festering bog-pit of a school in favour of something more glamorous and profitable.

_Holiday Rep- Must be lively, get on well with other people and not be afraid to make a fool of themselves. You will have the opportunity to see the world and work with wizards and witches from all over._

Don't think that's really me somehow. I'm brilliant with the lively bit, its just the getting 'on well with other people' requirement that's putting me off. Wonder if that's really important?

**Whoops.**

Oh dear. Seems I missed my appointment with Dumbledore. He came and found me; I think he suspected I might not turn up. He asked why I hadn't come and I had said that I was awfully busy trying to decide the best way to poison the Giant Squid and frame McGonagall for it without it being in any way connected to me. Don't think he bought it somehow. He's rearranged for four o'clock this afternoon instead. Wonder if Peeves will push him down the stairs for me?

**Interesting**

Hmm, Durmstrang is looking for a new Divination teacher. I could definitely do that. Sit there, roll my eyes, foam at the mouth a bit and go "You, you and you are all going to die within the next week. Same time next week class." It is perfect. I'm going to apply.

**It didn't work**

I'm stood outside Dumbledore's office and I have just been told by Peeves that Dumbledore caught him trying to kill him and 'forced' it out of him that I had told him to do it. I am so dead.

"Ahh, Severus. I almost had a NASTY accident and had to POSTPONE our meeting." You stupid smug bastard.

"We NEED to decide on an appropriate course of ACTION Severus, for this CANNOT continue."

"Then let me work again." Pure and simple Dumblebumble.

"I am AFRAID the Ministry will not ALLOW me to employ you while you continue to REFUSE to seek help."

"The Ministry?" I had no idea this had anything to do with the Ministry. "You owled the Ministry?"

"Ahh, some parents have been expressing CONCERNS about your BEHAVIOUR towards their children." They have been complaining about my teaching methods? That means that the kids must have been complaining to their parents about me. When I found out who it is I'll…

"I don't THINK that the children are to BLAME Severus." I don't care what you think. And I hate it when he seems to be able to tell what you are thinking.

"I am in the motions of looking for a new position at a different school." Ha! You didn't know that was coming did you Dumbledore!

"I'm not AWARE of any positions for potions teacher becoming AVAILABLE Severus." Then he raised his eyebrows at me and wiggled them. Like this was just a huge joke and I was not an alcoholic on the verge of killing everyone around me and he was not the most annoying person ever that has pushed me to my current intoxicated state.

"I am in the process of applying."

"I did not KNOW Divination was one of your STRONG points Severus." You utter, utter, repulsive, nauseating cretin of a human being.

I just left after he said that. And I've killed the Giant Squid out of pure hatred and spelt out 'Dumbledore is a tit' on the front lawn with its entrails.

**Okay,**

So maybe I haven't. But I would have done if the Squid didn't have so many tentacles and I so little time.


	5. SPLAT

**Disclaimer: **Do I have to do one on every page?

Chapter five: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Got a reply from Durmstrang**

Apparently I 'don't have the qualifications' for a Divination teacher. What qualifications do you need? A degree in barminess? Utterly stupid. I bet this is Dumbledore's doing.

**Potter is going to get banned from Quidditch…**

… And it's all thanks to me! I suggested that with Black hanging around the castle, perhaps Potter flying around on his broomstick is not the best thing for him to be doing. Dumbledore agreed with me, seems his little tantrum about my drinking has passed and he has finally realised that he can do bugger all to stop me. Expect maybe feeding Potter to the Whomping Willow, and I don't think he's too keen on that idea.

**Change of plan**

Potter isn't going to banned. He is going to be supervised. Because Madam Hooch can do so much to protect him if Black decides to kill him in the middle of a Quidditch match. Hang on. Potter dead, Black given the Dementors kiss and locked up, Hogwarts finally free of all Potter gang-members. Why did I disagree with this?

**I remember why.**

Because I hate Potter and my soul object in life is to make his life as miserable as possible and therefore improve my own dramatically.

**Covering for Lupin**

Werewolf-boy is ill, again, and Dumbledore has decided that I am the only one able to take a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. Well, if he thinks so highly of me why doesn't he just give me the job?! Because he is bitter and twisted. Bitter and twisted.

And to top it all I had to take Gryffindor. Potter was late, the stupid empty-headed plank that he is, and then had the audacity to look outraged when I deducted points from his house for it! But I did get a chance to do a small bit of back-stabbing while I was there, how disorganised Lupin was, how he is always ill, how he only covers very easy topics with his class, how he's a werewolf employed by Dumbledore regardless of the danger posed to his students and, finally, how utterly annoying he is. I think most people agreed with me. I got Potter's class to do an essay on werewolves, hopefully at least one of them will be able to work out what I'm getting at. As long as it isn't Granger, I hate that child. Gave Weasley a detention for sticking up for Granger, and I now have to think up something suitably horrible and unjustified to put him through.

Help Hagrid feed the Squid? No, he'd probably enjoy that too much

Send him into the Forest to collect an herb that doesn't exist? Sounds promising, though McGonagall would blow a blood vessel if she heard about it.

I've got it, cleaning out the hospital bedpans _without_ magic. That'll teach the out-spoken little turd to talk to me like that.

**It's a storm!**

I love storms. So beautiful, so majestic, so powerful. They remind me of me.

**Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff**

I would go outside and sit in the rain, but I'm a moody, unreasonable old fart so I'm not.

Hmmm, apparently Gryffindor are getting 'trashed' as the student put it, so I'm going to go and laugh at Potter being blown around by the wind and hope he falls off.

**They LOST**

And it's ALL Potter's fault. Pathetic little miscreant that he is. One second, flying around thinking he's god's gift to the world, next SPLAT. Face down in the ground. I still haven't heard if he's still alive or not. I asked Dumbledore whether he reckoned he was alive after falling all that way and Dumbledore told me shut up. I have never heard Dumbledore be so rude. I am appalled by his recent behaviour towards me, I really am.

Anyway, all these Dementors flew onto the grounds, killed Potter (hopefully), and then flew off again. I always knew Dementors had a use. Luckily Dementors don't affect me, as I am immune to all negative feelings. And no, anger, hate, revulsion and disgust are not negative feelings; they are what get me through the day.

**Damn it**

Potter's not dead, Dumbledore isn't talking to me, Lupin is well again, McGonagall is ignoring me and Filch won't leave me alone. There are only a few things that are less wanted than Filch: A rabid three-legged dog, a vampire wanting a 'drink' with you and pubic lice. Actually, scratch the last one. No pun intended.

**Dumbledore is stressing**

About the Dementors coming into the grounds, I've never seen him so angry. It's actually quite scary, and I don't really want to get in his way after how he spoke to me at the Quidditch Match. I could tell him it was only a joke, but I never tell a lie. There is however some good news to report- Potter's broom went into the Whomping Willow and got smashed to little pieces. I love that tree; I've never really appreciated its full potential until this moment. Wonder if I can entice McGonagall down there and let the Whomping Willow have it out with her?

**Double Damn it**

Tried the whole 'entice McGonagall into the grounds to get squashed by the Whomping Willow' thing and she immediately realised what I was trying to do and ran off to Dumbledore. I am in so much trouble. I hate McGonagall and her stupid Dumbledore-obsessed life.

**I'm leaving**

Well, I would leave if I had anywhere else to go. Dumbledore suddenly appeared while I was terrorising some first years on the corridors and just stood there and looked at me without saying anything. It was extremely disconcerting. I felt like a monkey in a zoo, being stared at by some random old guy. I began to wonder if he had fallen asleep with his eyes open, then he scratched his nose and I jumped out of my skin.

"Severus, I think WE need a CHAT." Do we have to? I appreciate you're just looking out for McGonagall, because she isn't old enough to fight her own battles obviously.

"Of course Headmaster." I'm not going to bother arguing, he is the person who pays my wages after all. Kind of. Actually, no he doesn't. The Ministry pays my wages doesn't it?

"Minerva has lodged a COMPLAINT. She is asking for your IMMEDIATE dismissal." Hmm. You wouldn't dare Dumbledore. You know I know too much. About everything. He could always have me killed I suppose. I'm not going to reply, just lift an eyebrow in a slightly bored manner and hope he gets on with it.

"BUT I have decided NOT to dismiss you. However, you MUST try to interact better with your COLLEAGUES." Woohoo. I get to stay at Hogwarts. Oh the joy.

"Interact better? INTERACT? No! I refuse! I will maintain my smug superiority over everyone within the castle and McGonagall can shove it up her over-sized nostrils. Everything is always my fault, last year Lockhart being such a pompous idiot was my fault, year before Quirrel was my entire responsibility and therefore fault when he went haywire. Tell me, if Lupin decides to start gnawing on the teacher's table one dinnertime will that be my fault as well? Even though YOU employed him?"

Of course I didn't _actually_ say that. It was more along the lines of…

"Of course Headmaster."

… while wanting to gouge his eyes out with my wand.


	6. bat droppings

Disclaimer: One day, I shall own the world

Chapter six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Potter is back in classes**

After spending the weekend in the hospital being mothered by Poppy, Potter is back waltzing around the castle, much to the delight of Malfoy who has now perfected throwing himself on the floor when ever Potter is near him. I would find it terribly amusing, but that would probably be unprofessional so I just ignore it. And Lupin is back at work, unfortunately in full health despite my attempts at poisoning. I'm wondering if I can get a group of first years in detention to go out into the Forbidden Forest while he's roaming around. A couple of dead first-years might persuade Dumbledore to reassess his staff policies. Of course, it might also make him reassess my position at the castle, but if I get thrown out I can also go and produce illegal potions and sell them to rich, important people.

**McGonagall is a streak of bat droppings**

She has somehow managed to convince Dumbledore that I was the one who _told_ the Dementors to come and attack Potter while he was flying, apparently because I didn't want Gryffindor to win. I'm the first to admit that I can be quite churlish at times, but I draw the line at being that bothered about losing to McGonagall. Dumbledore spent half an hour trying to 'question' the Dementors, who rasped a bit at him then floated off, making Dumbledore even more peeved and therefore deciding that if he couldn't have a go at the Dementors, he find someone he could have a go at. Namely me, while I was minding my own business trying to feed the Squid rat poison.

"Ahhhhhh Severus." I've started to notice that the more annoyed he is with you the longer his 'ahhhh' gets. Wonder how long I can get him to 'ahhhhhhh' for…

"I fear that you HARBOUR resentment for one PARTICULAR student."

"I harbour exactly the same resentment for every single last one of them Headmaster." He actually laughed at that, he either thinks I'm joking or wants to ignore the fact that he employs a potion's teacher who hates the very fact that other people exist.

"Severus, walk with me." Errr… think up an excuse, an excuse, anything, just say something… He's going to lure me into the Forbidden Forest and bury my mutilated body under the Whomping Willow…

"Severus?" Ah damn it; I'll have to go. If the raving loony does kill me I promise I will haunt him until his dying day.

Anyway, to cut a very long and draw-out and roundabout conversation short, he basically said that if I hurt Potter I will be fed to the Squid. One limb every month until Dumbledore deems appropriate. I've found a loophole in his threat-he never mentioned McGonagall. And that's the problem with Dumbledore- you don't realise you've been threatened until about two hours after it's happened.

**Christmas cheer and good health to all**

It makes me sick, it really does. Dumbledore goes so over the top its ridiculous, you can't walk anyway in this bloody castle without being covered in tinsel and fairy lights. Yesterday I went through a doorway at the same time as Poppy and before I knew what was happening, she was pointing at piece of twig stuck to the door before launching herself at me. I untangled myself from her as quickly as possible and limped away with as much pride as I could manage. She's been avoiding me ever since, though I suspect the House Elves have been slipping a bit of 'Christmas cheer' into the bacon and eggs at breakfast because I was feeling a bit more cheery than normal this morning. McGonagall has been throwing death-glares at me for the past few days away, as she now believes I'm trying to kill off the whole of Hogwarts single-handedly, starting with Potter and Lupin and closely followed by her and the squid. She's crazy, she really is. I'd leave her until last…

**Nobody loves Potter...**

He can't go into Hogsmeade because nobody has signed his parental consent form, I'm still surprised that Dumbledore didn't rush down to put his scrawl on the dotted line, but I suspect he just doesn't want Potter wandering around with Black on the loose. He may find himself in a dangerous situation, and that would be so unfortunate. I think I am going to go and find Potter and goad him a little bit with the fact that all his little friends are having heaps of fun while he has to stay in the castle. Serves him right the jumped-up little turd. I thought I was sad, but at least I don't need permission to go out when I want to.

**Potter, Potter, Potter**

Can't find him anywhere, this is really starting to get suspicious. I've been all over the castle and even lowered myself to asking the Fat Lady if Potter was in the common room, but she hasn't seen him all day. I don't get it… He should be here somewhere. Unless… He's down in Hogsmeade; I can feel it in my bones. I'm going to go and get Dumbledore to let me out for a bit of a prowl.

**Hate Dumbledore**

Apparently McGonagall and Hagrid have gone for a drink and he can't have his teachers wandering around Hogsmeade. He seemed to think that I might take a trip down Knockturn alley as well for some strange reason, and that wouldn't be setting a very good example. I would tell him I only wanted to go to catch Potter doing something wrong so I can get him expelled, but he still think I hate Potter more than everyone else so that might not have been the best thing to do. Hmm, just read what I wrote about me not needing permission and realised it's a lot of rubbish because I DO have to get permission to do anything n this place. And if I do get permission McGonagall always ruins it somehow.

**Holidays… Peace and quiet**

At last! They've all gone, well apart form the few whose parents were clever enough to book their holidays without booking a place for their children. I would go home, but there's really little point and if I'm here I can annoy McGonagall that little bit more. I've been pondering about Christmas presents and I'm thinking of buying a cat, hacking off its paws and sending them to McGonagall on Christmas morning, that should start her day off well. The only thing that is putting me off is Dumbledore and his opinion concerning my 'aggressive' behaviour. And by the looks of it Potter is ill- he was sat at the Gryffindor table this morning looking like a bat that's just indigested frog spawn. I really hope its something serious.


	7. The joys of Christmas

Chapter seven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Newsflash…**

That Buckbeak creature is going to be executed; Dumbledore got a letter this morning, though I don't think he expected anything different really. Not with Lucius being as close to the Ministry as he is. However much I despise Potter and anything that happens that will make him feel a bit crappy is a plus in my book, it was Draco's own fault and I wish he'd lost an arm. And maybe a leg as well. Hagrid has been weeping and wailing all day and I get the feeling that he really needs to get out more. I'm wondering if it would be terribly inconsiderate to ask for the internal organs when it's dead to do some experiments on. Oh, I should mention that Hagrid can appeal but we all know he's going to fail because he's an oaf and couldn't string together a logical argument using a piece of a rope.

**Deck the halls…**

…with bat-wings and cat's heads. Its nine o'clock on Christmas morning and I've already been visited by Dumbledore who brought me some very old Firewhisky and some quite nice tumblers to go with it, Poppy who had trays and trays full of brandy biscuits and finally Lupin, though I don't know what he wanted because I shut the door the minute I opened it and saw him stood there. I did buy a cat for McGonagall but the minute I advanced with my butcher's knife, it tried to claw my eyes out. I dumped it on top of Mrs Norris in the hope that they'd have a fight and I wouldn't have to get my own hands dirty, but one look at Mrs Norris' ugly, squashed face and the cat bolted. It's probably skulking around the castle somewhere, waiting for its chance to exact its revenge.

**I HATE Christmas!**

What is the point? Sat around one table, all pretending to be happy and friendly when we all know that I despise every single one of them. The only reason I stay in this place is to torment McGonagall. Dumbledore has insisted on getting crackers and we're all having a laugh at my expense, as usual. Even Lupin is grinning in that weird lop-sided way that makes him look like he's just smoked something illegal. Why can't you students go home? Why do you actually _want _to stay here? Do you not understand that it is really quite desperate that you volunteered to stay in school over Christmas? Go and enjoy yourself with your families and leave me alone to wallow in my misery! In peace! And Dumbledore can sod off as well, him with his stupid Muggle ideas. And we all know that McGonagall will end up pissed, have a fight with a suit of armour and finish off the night upside-down on the Slytherin table with a bottle of eggnog in her hand. It's the same every year, and every year I'm the one who gets up early on Boxing Day and shifts her great carcass into her room so that the students won't see her. I've been avoiding Lupin as well, it's obvious he has something for me and has not been in the least bit perturbed by my slamming the door in his face this morning. Perhaps I could stick a note to my forehead saying 'Leave me alone. I don't want your crappy gifts.' Then I could be accused of being 'abusive' to not only students, but staff as well.

Then Trelawney suddenly appeared and guess where Dumbledore sat her? That's right. Next to me. The only person I hate more than McGonagall was sat next to me. Why am I sat at a table with six people I hate (McGonagall, Trelawney, Potter, Weasley, Granger) one person I detest (Dumbledore) and one person I despise with every fibre of my being (Lupin)? No wonder I get stressed. Though, to be fair, Lupin is ill again and isn't actually here in the flesh to annoy me.

**Now that is interesting**

Potter has been sent a Firebolt from someone, but nobody knows who. Granger has just told McGonagall about it because she thinks it was sent by Black and might have a curse on it. Potter and Weasley are going to be so pleased with her when they find out, because it'll have to be stripped down completely and that may take a while. I'm thinking of volunteering to do this personally, completely destroying something that belongs to Potter would be the best Christmas present ever. And I could conveniently forget to rebuild it. Or, even better idea, I could rebuild it but include a few of my own more imaginative curses. It could come to life at night and strangle him while he sleeps. Or kick him off when it reaches a certain altitude. True, I would be the only suspect if this did happen, but I'm thinking that it might actually be worth it.

**Dumbledore said no**

He's such an arse, he said that it might not be a good idea me examining the Firebolt. When I asked why he kind of went all distant and starting mumbling about trees and flowers for some reason. It is very obvious when Dumbledore is trying to avoid answering a question. I was extremely tempted to hit him over the head with one of the many large objects that litter his office, but Fawkes was eyeing me like he knew what I was planning.

**Holidays have ended**

On the one hand, good because I'm beginning to get bored as setting jinxes on suits of armour gets repetitive after a bit, but on the other all the students will be returning to make my life a misery once more. Tried to avoid making Lupin his potion last week but Dumbledore tracked me down to the high tower and did a bit of whinging at me. Though I think I annoyed him quite a bit in the end, he lost his rag with me anyway. Asked how I would feel if Lupin did change and bite one of the students and I said overjoyed, which might not have been the answer he wanted to hear. Anyway, basically I make potion, Lupin drinks potion, Lupin stays reasonably harmless, I get certain privileges. Though he did say something a bit odd to me as he was leaving,

"A life is only as precious as one makes it."

I mean, what the hell is he going on about? Is he talking about me not valuing my life? Because I can tell you I wouldn't sacrifice my life for anyone, especially not him.

Perhaps that's what he's suggesting? Telling me he expects me to die for him and I'd better be ready whether I like it or not?

**Hate Dumbledore**

Haven't been able to get what he said out of my mind. Did he mean I should value Lupin's life?

**…**

Or even Potter's?

**Trelawney predicted Potter's death**

Again. I would have a celebration, but I know she's a mad old bat and the chances of it actually coming true are very slim.

**An interesting thought…**

I suspect Lupin is a chocoholic. Well, he seems to be handing it left right and centre, regardless of whether you have a headache or your leg has just fallen off, he appears with a lump of chocolate to force down your neck. I banged my head in the staff room and he just popped up, dumped about half a ton of chocolate on me, sat and watched me eat it all, then buggered off. Such a weirdo.


	8. Drama!

Disclaimer: Sue me; I have nothing to give you

Chapter Eight: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**We are the greatest**

Slytherin beat Ravenclaw at Quidditch, always knew we would, Ravenclaw are crap at everything from sport to potion making. Though even I must admit I'm surprised we won with the current team, Draco Malfoy spends more time getting onto his broom than actually flying around on it. And I've told him that if he doesn't beat Potter when we play Gryffindor I'll personally ensure he is moved from Slytherin to Hufflepuff, regardless of what his father says.

**Lupin and Potter are best friends**

He's now teaching Potter how to produce a Patronus, it's so helpful that it's almost sickening. I bet Potter wouldn't be so eager to spend so much time with Lupin if he knew that Lupin could take both his legs off without a seconds warning. Let's just hope Potter doesn't annoy him too much, or it's bye-bye to Potter Junior. Now that's a thought, Potter would be dead, Lupin thrown out of Hogwarts and exiled from the Wizarding World and Dumbledore would finally realise that I was right all along. I can't see any down side to this plan.

**Hmm…**

Only Lupin would never attack Potter because he's Potter Senior's son and also the Boy Who Lived. Even Lupin isn't stupid enough to kill him.

**Ha**

Just been making fun of McGonagall in the staff room, reminding her how Slytherin are going to win Quidditch this year because Gryffindor are crap. And Potter doesn't have a broom. She then proceeded to unveil the Firebolt and announce she was giving it back to Potter as it had been checked for all jinxes. Now wondering if I could jinx it without anyone noticing….

**Granger and Weasley have fallen out!**

Oh it's so funny to see them not talking. As a child I never had the luxury of being able to argue with my friends. Mainly because I didn't have any friends to argue with. Ah, it's so refreshing to see malice and bitterness in ones so young. I could almost forgive them for a) being friends with Potter, b) being in Gryffindor and c) for being children. Almost, but not quite. I still hate them both.

**Bugger and Darn**

Tried to get out of going to the Quidditch match by playing the good old 'I have lots of work that I suddenly need to get done' card, but Dumbledore saw through it immediately and practically frog-marched me to my seat, then insisted on sitting next to me and making these ridiculous 'Ooooooooo' and 'aaaahhh' noises whenever anything happened. I asked him if he needed a potion making to help sort out some terrible affliction that might be causing such noises. He looked at me as though as I was crazy, before smiling and patting me on the knee. I nearly fell off my seat when he did that. One of the scariest moments of my life and one I hope never to repeat. Potter made fun of Malfoy in the Great Hall before the match, said something really witty about attaching extra arms to Draco's broom. I would have laughed along but I don't think it would have done much for Slytherin morale. And I've forgotten how to laugh, I think it has something to do with the voice box but I can't be sure. Something reasonably exciting did happen during the Quidditch Match however, Draco, the two goons he calls friends and that ugly Flint child decided to dress up as Dementors. I am disgusted to even call them Slytherins; no Slytherin in my day would have made such a pathetic attempt at sabotage. We would have done it properly with lots of smoke and howling. And we certainly wouldn't have got caught.

**Drama!**

Sirius Black is here. In the castle. Oh it's so exciting. I wonder what he looks like after a few years in Azkaban? I bet he's no longer the smug pretty-boy he was in school. I bet he's gaunt and smelly, with long black hair, yellow nails and manky teeth. Can't wait to find him. I might perform a few spells on him before delivering him to the Dementors. Wonder if Dumbledore will let me keep him as a pet and experiment on him? Ah, revenge is best served when simmered for a couple of decades. Makes it all the sweeter. I'm off to scour the castle from top to bottom; I don't want Lupin getting there before me. Wonder how Black got in anyway… the werewolf….


	9. Stalkers

Disclaimer: Do I have to do this on every chapter?

Chapter nine: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Dumbledore is officially an idiot**

Well, Black has scarpered and its all Dumbledore's fault. I suggested taking the castle into full lock-down and just letting the Dementors in to do their jobs, but it seems he doesn't want his precious students endangered in any way. What's a couple of students to Sirius Black? I happily sacrifice a few of them in return for Black, hell I'd even push them off the Astronomy Tower myself if it would help. I also told Dumbledore who I believe is to blame (i.e. Lupin) and he has said that if I find any evidence that he was behind it, he will act on it accordingly. So now I just need to catch Lupin doing something incriminating, which shouldn't be too difficult seeing as how he is a) a werewolf and b) new best friends with Potter who is always incriminating himself. I still debating whether or not Black being caught and killed is better than Black catching Potter and killing him. If the world was perfect Black would kill Potter then get caught himself, get the Kiss then be carted off to Azkaban. I hate this world.

**Stupid McGonagall**

Sticking her pointy little nose into everything that's going on. She cornered me in the staff room despite my best attempts to avoid her. She accused me of being jealous of Lupin. Me! Jealous! I ask you.

"Yes Minerva, it is secretly my life-long ambition to sprout fur and slaver uncontrollably once every month unless I take a potion provided by a man who hates me and will probably try to poison me before the end of the year. In fact, I think I'm going to go and offer myself up to Lupin so that I can be _just like him_. Excuse me."

Severus 1

Nosy bitch 0

**Like I don't have enough to do…**

Dumbledore has had the brilliant idea that I should take over from Lupin while he is 'ill'.

"By ill I presume you mean something a bit more sinister Headmaster?" Dumbledore gave me a look, you know the one I mean, it says 'You know exactly what I mean Severus and if I wasn't Headmaster I would smack you round the head repeatedly, but fortunately for you and unfortunately for me I have to maintain an air of smug superiority over you.'

"Ahhh, Severus. I feel you would be the most APPROPRIATE teacher to STEP-IN for Remus while he is…ill."

I get the feeling the only reason he suggested it is so that I can't follow Lupin and find out what it is he's actually up to. And of course it gives Dumbledore a chance to show me what I could have been teaching if he wasn't such a moody git. At least I get to torment Potter in my next cover lesson, there's no problem that can't be sorted out with a bit of Potter-baiting. And I have got the perfect subject to study with his class…werewolves. Though they're all so dense that they'll put two and two together and come out with seven.

**Ahhhhh!**

What is it with McGonagall these days? I was walking towards Lupin's classroom and she suddenly appeared with this smug little smile on her face.

"I don't think Albus would be terribly impressed if he thought his Potion's master was stalking his Dark Art's professor."

And with that she buggered off! I didn't even have a chance to think of a witty and scathing reply! Stalking indeed. I have never stalked anyone in my life. I ended up just staring down the corridor after her amble backside, thinking of all of the things I would have said to her if she was still stood in front of me.

Anyway, back to the lesson. I've got them all writing notes on werewolves at the minute, it's only twenty minutes into the lesson and I've already taken 20 points from Gryffindor and given Weasley a detention. I should take Lupin's lessons more often. Still thinking about what McGonagall said; wonder if she'll go to Dumbledore? Now I just have to think of something absolutely gut-wrenchingly awful for Weasley to complete for his detention.

**You'll never believe what she's done**

I am, of course, talking about McGonagall. I went into the staff room and McGonagall was sat there with Hooch and Flitwick, and they were _giggling. _Not laughing. Giggling. At me. I came in and they both stopped talking then Hooch looked at me and said,

"Have you seen Remus anywhere Severus? I'm looking for him and apparently you're the person to talk to."

McGonagall nearly peed herself laughing; she was starting to go red and Flitwick starting snorting into his drink like a deranged pixie. I couldn't think of any thing to say that didn't sound really really childish. The responses in my head ranged from a straightforward "shut up" to complete and utter raging denial. I settled for simply raising an eyebrow, sneering at McGonagall before leaving them to giggle to themselves. As I shut the door they both broke into whoops and snorts of laughter. I hate them all.

Peeves came swooping down the corridor at me and starting wolf-whistling, but I soon put an end to that by threatening to jinx him the next time he came any where near me. Few can master the jinxing of ghosts, luckily I am one of those few and it's the only thing that can control Peeves.

**Not leaving this room**

The last few days have been awful. McGonagall has told all of her little teaching buddies and I can only hope that she hasn't told certain students. This is ridiculous; I'm acting like it's actually true! I'm going to go and have a wander around the castle; it's a Hogsmeade visit today so there won't be many people around.

Hmm, Potter and Longbottom are having a nice chat about ten meters from where I'm stood, and neither one of them has spotted me. I'm going to go scare the living hell out of Longbottom, just because it's so damn funny.

Well, he did a bit of squeaking but unfortunately Potter did all of the answering so I've got no bumbling quotes to repeat to you. It's a pity; they can keep me amused for days. As Potter and Longbottom were wandering back to Gryffindor Tower McGonagall suddenly appeared and smiled happily at me.

"Should I warn Remus that you're prowling the corridors Severus?"

"It seems you're the one with the obsession Minerva, constantly bringing everything back to Remus? Do you notice how you manage to include him in every single conversation you have?"

Ha, that got her worried. I stalked off before she could compose herself and think of a comeback. That'll teach her to mess with Severus Snape.

Wonder what Lupin's up to?


	10. Threats and Insults

Chapter ten: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Now that is interesting…**

While doing my usual hobby of lurking around corners, ready to pounce on unsuspecting students who are either to young to go to Hogsmeade or aren't loved enough by their families to be allowed to go to Hogsmeade, I got rather a nice surprise. There, belting around the corner, were Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle, all looking scared out of their little tiny minds. And then Malfoy started babbling about seeing Potter down in Hogsmeade, but not the whole of Potter, just the overgrown head part of Potter. Now _no _part of Potter should be down in Hogsmeade, especially not the head part as that is the part that does all the thinking. Or at least much thinking as a Potter can manage. No doubt by the time I reach Gryffindor Tower Potter will be sat doing his Potion's homework, just to rub it in a bit more, but there was something about that one-eyed statue of a witch that he was loitering around before…

**Bugger it**

When I reached the statue Potter was just stood there, true he was out of breath and clutching his side like he had a stitch, but unfortunately I can't expel a student for looking a bit tired. Not that I haven't tried before now. Anyway, Potter is currently sat in my office, trying and failing to hide his muddy hands, and now I can finally start having a bit of fun without good old Dumbledore sticking his nose in like usual. Whenever I want to have a go at a student he always seems to materialise and lead me away quietly like I'm some deranged old person. Not this time, Potter is mine!

Words alone could not express the anger I'm feeling right at the minute 

I hate them all. Potter, Lupin, Black, Dumbledore, McGonagall. Every single last one of them. I'm currently too enraged to write the details of what occurred but I'm sure I'll be able to give away all the grisly facts after a few firewhiskeys.

**A few Firewhiskeys later…**

Well here you are. I confronted Potter, who had the cheek and the nerve to blatantly lie to my face. He actually suggested that Malfoy was having hallucinations! Why exactly Malfoy would be having hallucinations of Potter is another matter entirely. Now I figured that while I didn't actually have any concrete evidence, the chance to annoy Potter a bit was just too good to pass up. And I knew exactly what subject tended to get little Potter all in a flap…

"How extraordinarily like your father you are Potter. He too was exceedingly arrogant. Strutting around the place with his friends…" And at that exact moment he lost it, shouting that his "father didn't strut!" and nor does he. So I decided to breach another subject that always seems a very touchy one where Potter's concerned- the size of his head.

"Your father's head was so swollen-" then he completely lost it, told me to "shut up!" in a really high-pitched voice, then went white, then folded his arms like a toddler having a tantrum. I put on my 'most deadly whisper' voice,

"What did you say to me Potter?" I was so close I could almost smell the fear rolling off him in waves.

"My dad saved your life! Dumbledore told me! You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him!" Oh good grief, he makes it all sound so heroic doesn't he? James Potter, Champion Seeker of Gryffindor, Heart-Throb of Hogwarts and hero of Severus Snape, forever in his debt. Don't make me laugh.

"I would hate you to run away with a false impression of your father Potter." Lean forward, grin evilly, "Your father and his little friends played a highly amusing joke on me which would have resulted in my death if your father hadn't got cold feet right at the last minute." Triumphant grin, step back slightly and…triumphant pose. You can't beat me today Potter!

So far, so good. It was however after demanding Potter turn out his pockets that things got steadily worse. He had a bit of parchment, which had the audacity to insult me (I won't repeat the insults, they were poorly thought out and utterly unimaginative) so I had the bright idea of getting Lupin to come and have a look. Secretly I wanted to see how the parchment would insult Lupin, but that's just me being childish. Why I chose Lupin out of all the teachers in the castle I have no idea but it seemed like a good plan at the time.

Well, to cut a long story short, Potter got out of any punishment and went skipping off to Gryffindor Tower, arm in arm with Lupin, and I was left to throw inanimate objects around my room until I felt a bit better.

**Never drinking again.**

I have a headache. One of those really arsey headaches where you sit down for five minutes and it goes away, then you stand up and it rushes back like a tidal wave. And to top it all off I met McGonagall on my way to the Great Hall who grinned at me jubilantly.

"I heard you called Remus down to your office earlier Severus. Did you need help with something? Was he the _only_ _man for the job_?" McGonagall smiled pleasantly and I felt like charging her and throwing her out of the window straight into the Great Lake, but I managed to suppress myself.

"And how is your relationship with Dumbledore going? Are you still so far up his arse that you can almost see out of his eyes?"

I know. It was mean, rude and uncalled for. But god it felt good. I am in so much trouble.

**In so much trouble**

Dumbledore appeared at my elbow suddenly as I was skulking around the library (while also skipping class incidentally) and asked me to accompany him up to the Owlery in order to 'have a little chat'. Firstly, I hate the Owlery and secondly, I hate having 'a little chat' with anyone, especially Dumbledore. We walked to the Owlery in silence and I totted up everything in my head that he could have a go at me for. Now, there's having a barney at Potter, apparently 'stalking' Lupin, drinking during school hours, lurking around in the library while I'm supposed to be teaching and of course the awfully rude comment I made to McGonagall concerning her head and a certain orifice of Dumbledore's. And I swear he chose the Owlery to 'have a little chat' specifically because he _knows_ I hate it and his main goal in life is to cause me as much pain and suffering as is humanly possible.

"Is there something WRONG Severus?"

"No." I sound like a moody teenager. I hate having to answer Dumbledore's shitty little questions.

"I have been receiving COMPLAINTS off certain MEMBERS of staff."

"Like who?"

"Peeves says YOU continuously THREATEN to jinx him,"

"Doesn't everyone?" That made Dumbledore smile a bit, for some strange reason he likes Peeves and for some even stranger reason, Peeves likes him.

"Drinking in SCHOOL hours?" I pretended to be interested in a pigeon that had just flown in and was getting pecked by a haughty Barn Owl. "Your continuous TORMENT of Harry Potter?" That made me grin, I was quite pleased that it could be seen as 'continuous torment', I have just been elevated in my own estimation. "There was another thing that someone-"

"-You mean McGonagall?" I interrupted him; I can't stand it if he babbles on for too long.

"Yes, Minerva expressed some CONCERN that your RELATIONSHIP with Remus is turning UNHEALTHY."

"Relationship! Unhealthy! I think Minerva might be getting slightly jealous of my responsibilities concerning Professor Lupin, Headmaster." Dumbledore leant on the windowsill and looked at me for a bit.

"Severus, it is a well-known FACT that you DISLIKE Remus, you have threatened to POISON him on numerous occasions, you have ATTEMPTED to poison him on two occasions and you FOLLOW him around the castle chartering his every MOVE."

"Does that class as a relationship?" I found that comment quite amusing, though I don't think Dumbledore was as impressed. And I maintain I'm not obsessed by Lupin, I am simply doing my wizarding duty by suspecting him of everything.

"Severus," Dumbledore smiled and looked at me like an Uncle looking at his favourite nephew, "There is of COURSE one more ISSUE I must raise." He took his stupid specs off and polished them for a bit, "You were exceedingly RUDE to Minerva earlier." Ah, I thought he might have forgotten about that.

"I…er…" There you are, the first and only time Severus Snape has been lost for words. Dumbledore nodded at me while I um-ed and ahh-ed in my robes before I gave an exasperated "fine," and stormed out, squishing a snowy owl into the wall with the door as I yanked it open. I really hope it was Potter's.


	11. Hobbies and Tests

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

This is a very short chapter because I'm exceedingly busy, basically. I promise to update reasonably soon however.

Chapter Eleven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Easter Holidays**

I hate holidays, especially the ones when students don't go home. Why Dumbledore insists on leaving the school open for students to stay is beyond me, I can't go anywhere or do anything without seeing one of their ugly mugs gawping at me. It's as though they're surprised that I don't have a home to go to. On a more positive note, just before the holidays Trelawney predicted Potter's death again, which was quite exciting for all of about three minutes. Nothing ever happens around here.

**Good Grief**

Everyone is so damn childish! Who cares about a stupid Quidditch match? I've spent the last three days trying to separate Gryffindors and Slytherins when they've got into fights! I overheard Malfoy telling Crabbe and Goyle to 'sort Potter out' and chose to ignore it, deciding that they were probably joking and if not Crabbe and Goyle can't sort themselves out, never mind anyone else. I don't think Potter's got a lot to worry about somehow. I have been wondering why there are such a lot of stupid people in Slytherin, but then I spotted Longbottom and was thankful for the students I have.

**Ah!**

McGonagall keeps on going about Lupin, making comments whenever I see her and it's really starting to get on my wires. I haven't quite got round to apologising for what I said to her, and I somehow I don't think I ever will. Dumbledore has started appearing randomly and asking me stupid questions about my hobbies and what I do in my spare time. For some reason he didn't think 'pickling dead animals' and 'baiting Potter' were acceptable hobbies. And I'm not going to the Quidditch match tomorrow either, Dumbledore can stick it.

**Why can't I get any PEACE?!!**

At half eight this morning there was a knocking on my door as I didn't go to the Great Hall for any breakfast and I was planning on staying exactly where I was until after dinner when I had a second year lesson to teach. I opened the door and there was Dumbledore, looking happy and slightly concerned but with an air that he could sort out any problems that were presented.

"I did not SEE you at breakfast OR yesterday at the EVENING meal Severus. Is everything alright?"

"Yes."

"Are you SURE?"

"Yes."

"Then will YOU accompany ME to the Quidditch Match?"

"No." Dumbledore just raised an eyebrow and smiled happily. I hate him. "Fine Headmaster. I shall join you." Hate him. HATE him!

**Stupid bloody Quidditch**

I'm perched on a scabby bench, it's freezing cold, everyone is screaming and shouting and to top it all Dumbledore is sat next to me. Ha, they've all started fighting, that boy that looks like a gargoyle has had his face smashed into his broom handle and is bleeding everywhere at the minute. I conceed that this is quite entertaining. They should bring back blood sports.

**We lost**

It's crap. Though I'm not surprised, all Gryffindors are cheating swines. McGonagall is going to be gloating continuously for weeks. And Dumbledore had the audacity to suggest, just as the final whistle went, that I get a hobby that was acceptable in polite society. I nearly kicked the person sat in front of me in the head out of sheer shock.

**Exams have started**

Finally a bit of quiet. Exam time is always brilliant, students are all on edge and so are most of the teachers. I know that most of my students will fail and nothing I could do would help them. I don't see why Potions is compulsory for everyone, I have this argument with Dumbledore at the beginning of every year and it always ends up with Dumbledore changing the subject and before I realise what's happened we've been chatting about dragon spit for half an hour. I would devise a simple task to test the student's intelligence, willingness to learn and speed. I was thinking of handing them a vial of poison, the intelligent ones would never drink something handed to them by a Potion's teacher, the willing to learn ones would learn never to accept anything from me ever again and the speedy ones would run to Pomfrey before the poison made them immobile. I'd soon wheedle out the weak ones.


	12. Rulebreaking hobbies

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or Severus or blah blah etc etc 

Apologies for the huge delay in getting this chapter out but it's tough, basically.

Chapter twelve: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Well **

McGonagall has indeed been gloating since Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup, until I pointed out that there is actually a mark in the Slytherin display case where it has been sat permanently for the last however many years. At this point I was told not to be 'such a spoil-sport' and to 'join in with the fun'. Apparently 'fun' consists of laughing and gloating, which I will certainly have no part of. Don't get me wrong, I'm partial to a bit of gloating, just not when it's directed at me.

**Good grief**

Apparently McGonagall has been expressing concerns about me to Dumbledore. In other words she's been shit-stirring specifically to make my life that little bit more difficult and Dumbledore, instead of telling her to stop sticking her beaked nose in where it's not wanted, listens to her and even more staggeringly stupid actually _acts_ on her suggestions! She has had a sudden brainwave that if I get a hobby; it will make me a) more sportsmanship-like, b) more sociable and c) less bitter. I pointed out to Dumbledore that the reason I'm an unfair, unsociable, bitter git is mainly because of her.

**I'm playing poker**

Dumbledore said I should 'get a new hobby' and 'get out more' so I invited some people from the Hog's Head up to the castle to play poker with me, drink a lot of Firewhiskey and smoke a lot of stupidly expensive, exotic cigars. And I don't see how he can complain about anything; I'm doing exactly what he told me to do. Poker is a very social activity. I will admit that fair-play isn't really on the agenda, these are inhabitants of the Hogs Head, but I won't begrudge people cheating as it's poker and you're meant to cheat.

**Ha**

Apparently I managed to break nearly every single one of the Hogwart's rules in one night. The only thing that was left was killing or seriously injuring a student, but I informed Dumbledore that I could quite easily take care of that if he simply sent for Potter.

"I am VERY serious Severus, your humour at this moment is NOT appreciated."

"I wasn't being humorous headmaster."

Five minutes later found me back in my rooms with a strict instruction not to go anywhere near Potter until all Firewhiskey had left my system. I'm just flicking through the school rules to see where Dumbledore draws the line between accidental death and murder.

**Hippogriffs…**

… are surely the most pointless animals I have ever encountered. That creature that Hagrid has couldn't even kill Malfoy when it had the perfect opportunity. Anyway, it's going to get killed basically because that hairy oaf messed up on the appeal. Let's face it, he never really had a chance with Malfoy senior on the panel but he could at least have made some sort of an impact. Wonder what they're going to do with carcass, Dumbledore probably won't let me have it out of sympathy to Hagrid but I can always ask.

**Bored**

Usually I love sitting in my rooms away from the unwashed masses that mill around the castle, but I'm so bored it's unbelievable. The one time I've been told that I _must_ stay in my rooms and the only thing I want to do is go out! I wonder how long it takes for Firewhiskey to leave the system? And I'm hungry, I could always call a House Elf I suppose, but where's the fun in that? If I can just avoid Dumbledore for an hour or so I should be able to get away with it.

**Great Hall**

Eating food and glaring at the randomers who wander past me, gawping at what I'm doing like I'm a monkey in a zoo. I'm eating, is that really something that merits this level of interest? We all do it, three times a day or more, just because I'm a Potions master does not mean I survive on fresh air. Ooo, first years, can you take points off houses for being exceptionally nosy I wonder?

"Severus?" Oh balls.

"Yes Headmaster?" Damn it, damn it, damn it.

"You seem INTENT on disobeying ME Severus," okay, the way he said that was really creepy, if he suggests any weird punishments I swear I'm out of those doors, he can stick his job.

"Indeed Headmaster. I am, in fact, eating." Crime of the century I'm sure.

"I asked YOU to REMAIN in your quarters Severus."

"If I remember correctly Headmaster, until such a time as all alcohol has left my system." He just smiled knowingly at me and buggered off to go and annoy someone else at this point. He really does freak me out sometimes.

**Drama!**

Buckbeak has 'mysteriously' gone missing. I know Potter was behind it and I'm going to go and find out what's going on. Malfoy senior is going to be mad at Dumbledore too, and those two arguing is always a good source of entertainment, mostly because Malfoy will never win, he's not witty enough.


	13. Bastards!

Disclaimer: Do I have to do this for every chapter? Also isn't it kind of obvious I don't own Harry Potter cos I wouldn't be making a mockery of it if I did.

Chapter thirteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Hmm **

Not much going on really, Macnair is doing a lot of striding around waving his axe at people and decapitating pumpkins, Fudge is looking worried and Dumbledore is looking as smug as ever. I know Potter and Lupin have to have something to do with this; I just have to find out what. I'm going for a snoop around.

**Damn**

Just been cornered by Dumbledore asking if Lupin had received his potion this evening, I shrugged and said I didn't know or in fact care but Dumbledore ordered me back into the castle saying that if Lupin transformed he would nail a piece of raw meat to my bedroom door to attract werewolf boy to me. Charming. Wonder if I can sue Dumbledore for threatening behaviour?

**Well well**

Now isn't that interesting, Lupin's office is empty so I took the courtesy of snooping around a bit and I've found that ratty piece of parchment of Potter's and it is in fact a map that charts everyone's movements in the castle. I can see Dumbledore wandering around outside, Filch is shuffling around in the dungeons somewhere and McGonagall's sat in her office. But running towards the Shrieking Shack are one Remus Lupin and one Sirius Black accompanied by Potter, Granger and Weasley. Either Potter and his two sidekicks are about to get killed, or they're al concocting some plan to get Black into the castle. What I have to decide is whether to leave Potter to get killed (which does sound very appealing) or go in and capture Black (which sounds if possible even more appealing). I'm going to go and watch the action from a front row seat, as it were.

**Ah ha!**

Potter has left his invisibility cloak under the Whomping Willow. I know, Potter's cloak is meant to be this huge secret between him and Dumbledore, but Dumbledore saw fit to just mention it to me in case Potter ever got into any trouble and needed my help. The reply I gave to Dumbledore was along the general lines of 'don't be stupid.' Wearing Potter's cloak means that I can listen in, watch Black kill Potter _and then_ capture Black! This day is getting better and better, all I need now is for a dragon to come and set fire to Dumbledore.

**This is getting more and more exciting!**

I'm currently eavesdropping on a very interesting conversation between Black, Lupin, Potter and Granger. I think Weasley has a broken leg; he's limping quite bad and not really saying much anyway. Apparently Granger realised straight after doing my essay on werewolves that Lupin was indeed a werewolf, it's just a pity the stupid girl didn't do something about it (like spreading it around the castle) instead of keeping it to herself. Dumbledore is going to have to issue me with a formal apology, detailing exactly why he decided to ignore all my reservations about employing a werewolf and especially a werewolf who is good friends with Black. Dumbledore's going to have a lot of explaining to do to the Ministry and I might even get a pay rise for being generally brilliant. Right time for my magnificent unveiling I think…

**Bastards!**

You will never believe what Granger and Potter went and did! I did my very triumphant whipping-off-Potter's-cloak entrance, they all stood and gawped at me for a bit and then Potter and Granger attacked me! Black was being all smug, talking about Potter Senior trying to kill me, then there was some shouting, a loud bang then blackness. I was knocked out because they are too incompetent to cast a decent spell. Anyway, apparently Lupin went outside in the moonlight without having taken his potion (this I will inevitably get blamed for), got really hairy and a bit temperamental so I had to go and save the day once more by standing in front of Potter and Granger with my wand raised. Fortunately Black finally decided to help and dragged Lupin off into the woods for a fight, but then Granger and Potter ran off as well! By the time I found Potter and Black they were both out cold on the shore of the Great Lake and the Squid was having a strop because the lake had frozen over. At the minute I'm stood outside the hospital wing waiting for Dumbledore to finish with Potter and Granger, both of whom are raving mad by the way, and then I can go and watch Black being given the Dementor's Kiss. I have waited for years for this exact moment and I will savour it for as long as possible. Fudge did come and talk to me however, started going on about stuff; I think his exact words were, "Order of Merlin, 2nd class, 1st class if I can wangle it." Pretentious git.

**Life...**

… is shit. Black apparently evaporated into thin air just before the Kiss was going to be performed, Potter and Granger have managed to attain a new level of smugness and Dumbledore keeps asking me why Lupin did not have his potion that night. One good piece of news though, Dumbledore got hundreds of owls from parents wanting Lupin gone, so he is leaving at the end of this term. No more forced potion making. No more Lupin and Potter going off for walks together. No more werewolf jokes. But if Dumbledore asks me one more time about that bleeding Wolfsbane potion and why Lupin didn't take it I am going to cut his beard off. At a dodgy angle.

**Finally**

Peace and quiet. The school year is over and I finally get my castle back. Dumbledore is away for three weeks travelling around Transylvania trying to persuade Dracula to stop drinking blood and instead try sucking on a humbug. Hopefully Dracula will take this as an insult and kill him. I have discovered in the last two days however how cold it is down here, it is absolutely freezing! I opened my store cupboard last night and half off my potions had frozen over! It doesn't matter how warm it is outside, it is permanently cold down here! Next year I'm going to ask to be moved up to one of the towers instead of being stuck in the dungeons.

Oh and, if you're wondering, I didn't get that Order of Merlin. Second or first class. Lying bastard.


End file.
